My father died when I was seventeen. But, his memory has remained alive and well. When I was younger, much younger, I was resentful that my father had died when I was so young. I missed him. In fact, I continue to miss his physical presence in my life. Yet, I have contented myself with knowing that the years we had together were the most special of my life. That’s not to take anything away from others who have played a part in my upbringing and shaping me into the person I am today. It’s just that my dad laid the foundation.
I guess I was always a “daddy’s girl.” We did everything together when I was young. I can remember my first bicycle. My dad who had a limp from a motorcycle accident that occurred before I was born ran beside me all the way down the street. And, when I lost my balance he was there to catch me. In fact, he was there to break my fall more than once — and not always when I was on the bicycle.
There was not one school event that my dad missed. He was a busy man, running a large business, often working past closing time. But, if there was a school play in the middle of the day he was there. If there was a ballgame (I was a cheerleader) he was there. He never even missed an “away” game. He was always there. And, when I was old enough to date, he would offer me a hug before I darted out with the young man.
He and my mother were often at odds over my upbringing. My mom always wanted to set rules — like curfews and such. My dad always left it up to me. But, you see, my dad was not willing to allow me to run wild. He understood our relationship. He trusted me, even at times when I probably did not trust myself. He taught me values and expected me to live by them. Then, he allowed me the freedom, based on trust, to do the right thing.
I’m sure I disappointed him a few times, but he never showed it. Instead, he would come to the door of my bedroom and say, “So?” That’s all he would say. I would spill my guts. And, once I had confessed he would ask me what I thought we should do. Oh, my! I so often wished he would “lay down the law” so to speak. He never did and I was left to dole out my punishment. I’m quite sure I was much harder on myself than he would have been. Disappointing my father was a breach of his trust — and I paid in spades with some self-designated punishment that often made him smile.
I have to say that since he passed away I have never had that strong a bond with anyone. I trusted my father with my life, literally. And, he never once let me down. He was my “home base.” I was safe with him and I knew it.
More importantly than the things we did together, are the things he taught me. He was an average man according to some. He moved through life indistinguishable from others, except for the impact he had on me. He taught me to believe in myself. He taught me kindness, not through words but by example. He taught me love, not through words but by example. He taught me right from wrong, not through words but by example. He taught me what it is to be a good human being, not by words but by example. And, he taught me to be grateful for everything that comes my way rather than being envious or jealous of what I do not have. With the values my dad lived and taught, I have it all.
Father’s Day is always a day of reflection for me. I love to find a quiet place and turn the pages of old photo albums, touching my father’s face, looking for the love that always shone in his eyes, and always observing the man who was confident of his place in the world. He knew who he was and I am so very thankful that he helped me know who I am.
And, I am so very thankful that my dad taught me to balance my life. He always made this distinction — a living is about what you get, life is about what you give. Today I often wonder if he knew his words meant so much to me, if he knew his words were heard and would become the basis of this life.
Last night as I looked up at the night sky, my eyes focused on a star. It twinkled as I stared at it. I know my dad was winking at me, approving of the little girl he had loved and shaped into the woman I am today. He may be gone, but he is always with me.
Today I am so thankful that I am one of the lucky ones. I had a real father who loved me, cared for me and nourished my heart and soul. I am thankful for my father.
Night Sky
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m now 19 and experiencing being a dad. I must say although it feels good it’s still hard. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but to be honest, the hard part is having to balance time. My daughter is great and makes managing her never dreadful. -Teen dad
TeenDad,
Being a parent is never easy. There will be ups and downs. If I may give you just one little piece of advice — that’s what old ladies do — alway think before you speak when you talk to your daughter. She will remember things as she grows up that you will forget as soon as they leave your mouth. Think back to some of the things you remember from your childhood.
When I was 5 or 6 my mother and I were in a store. She wanted me to select a doll. I picked an 18-wheeler truck that had doors that opened and the back of the trailer lifted up. It was a great toy. But, my mother, expressing that she wished I liked “girl” toys instead of the “boy” toys said, “This is one of the greatest disappointments in my life.”
Now, I know my mother loved me. And, I know she wanted a little girl who would love dolls and tea parties and all that stuff. I loved playing cowboys and Indians, going to the airport to see planes taking off, chemisty and physics (not exactly girl stuff back in the day). For years, I felt bad that I was a disappointment to my mother.
One day when she was in her 70′s I told her that I was sorry that I had been a disappointment. Her statement had stuck in my head for years and years and years. My mother looked shocked! She said, “I never said you were a disappointment. You have always been the pride of my life. I was so proud of you when you graduated from college [with a degree in chemistry and physics].” My aunt told me when my mother died how she always bragged about my “science” studies.
So, sometimes we say things without thinking or maybe without thinking little ears are hearing. Those things that are gone from our minds as soon as they are said can stick like glue in a little mind. So, my one suggestion is to think before you speak.
You will be a great dad. And, like most of us you will figure a way to balance all of life’s duties and responsibilities.
Best of luck, TeenDad!